Anger management

Management Tips

The"ABC's" help us to stop being victimized by our own thinking.

A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry." Anger is a common emotion, but very damaging in how it makes you feel (and its impact on how others feel.)

This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior. They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine,not theirs.

Think about anger for a moment. Someone does something you do not like. You have a “right” not to like it. You have a “right” to share your dislike with them. But where does it follow that since you do not like it, they therefore SHOULD not do it? Do you own them, control them, are they your possession?

Behavior is governed by how the people think and feel at that time and is consistent with their thoughts. In fact, their behavior at that moment can not be anything different that it is (this is reality based thinking). You don’t like it, and you wish it were different, but it is consistent with their thinking. You may still be left with a practical problem, “how do I get them to change their behavior?” But then you become problem solving instead of problem focused.

The result is that you may still feel annoyed or irritated about their behavior, but not angry or enraged. You simply have changed your very irrational DEMAND to a very rational Preference. The less intense emotion will allow you to become much more creative in trying to convey your feelings to the other person with an attempt to get them to change. Once you downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and you can function again. After all, it’s now only a preference!

REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it.

This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better. While the ABCs are for use to help with any emotional upset, anger is the example we'll use here.

To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where you were angry about someone's behavior and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE.

It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to! Here is an example using drunk people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.

• A. (Activating event) Drunk people outside, making some noise. • B. (irrational Belief B I have about A) They MUST NOT make any noise. • C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) When noisy drunk people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up. I Feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don't get back to sleep for a long time. • D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers) WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in stone? Where is the evidence? Again, who made you Supreme Ruler of the Universe dictating how people Should or Must act? • E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B) Drunk people are often noisy, but it's no BIG deal. I don’t like it, but I can damn deal with what I don’t like. Maybe I will touch base with them in the morning (when they are sober).

(This therapy was propounded by Albert Ellis)